THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRICAL AND BASED ON OTHER WEBSITES WHICH, SADLY, EXIST.
If you are going to divorce, it is generally best until you have had all the kids that you wanted. It will be tough to find a partner later on, and remember ladies, your clock is ticking! And don’t forget, the more kids the more $$$!
Certain counties will almost always default to giving the mother full custody. If you are in a non shared parenting state you’re certain to win!
See if he will move out on his own! Cut off physical affection of any kind once you are done having children. Maybe dangle it like a carrot once in a while, that way he feels like there’s hope. Make sure to get it documented on paper/texts/otherwise so you can make him out for the pervert that he is! If you can, really drive him crazy so he starts to drink it away. Even if he doesn’t become an alcoholic, you can use the receipts later in court! Oh, and don’t forget to be violent and abuse him. The police won’t care. Just make sure he isn’t recording it, but it doesn’t really matter, did you see what happened with Amber Heard? She’s so beautiful inside and out! Get his passwords for everything as soon as you can. If he won’t give it to you, make sure to guilt trip him until he does. After all, what is a marriage without trust?
That way you can network with other Super Mom’s who are so brave raising children on their own, without any help from their deadbeat husbands! You can do it! Who needs those deadbeats anyway when you can just rack up the child support and alimony!
Don’t let him do anything with the kids. In fact, if you can drag him down with work or develop some debilitating self reported condition while lying to medical professionals, then you got this one in the bag! Hire help when possible so he cannot say he was an active Dad, and make sure to make him pay for it so he has to take on a second job. Remember, the more money he makes now, the more money they’ll count towards support later! You got this girl!
Make sure to take thousands of pictures and post constantly on instagram and facebook. That way all of your friends know that YOU are the true good parent, and when your deadbeat ex tries to get custody, they’ll testify on your behalf!
Remember, anything prior to filing for divorce is considered “marital debt” and he will have to pay for it! Now is the time to purchase that new pool liner, max out the home equity line into your savings account, book that Disney vacation, and pre-pay your attorney ahead of time. Don’t worry, it won’t really hurt you in court. Even when you will possibly be caught lying, the will see you for the victim that you really are thanks to pioneering women in our trusted media.
Start early. Tell everyone he has a drinking problem, is mentally ill, is abusive, or better yet–ALL of them! If you can be the first to do this, he’ll try to prove himself to everyone. But boy is he in for a surprise, you can’t prove a negative. Just tell everyone he is really good at hiding it. Call him a narcissist, because they are really good at hiding it. And it doesn’t really matter, by the time they figure it out you’ll have everything anyway. Make sure to CC all your friends on the emails. They will really enjoy being your rock now that he has betrayed you.
Because if he did, immediately change the locks on the doors and install an alarm system. Then get an exclusive order of possession to take the house. Don’t sweat it, you don’t need a reason. Just tell the judge in a private hearing that you are feeling “unsafe”. If he doesn’t leave, give him a polite warning that if he doesn’t, you’ll make abuse allegations and call the police. Give him a deadline, like, maybe, say June. If he’s not out then do that. If he’s smart he will leave on his own.
Make sure the kids think he has a drinking problem, it’s never too early of an age to teach about substance abuse. And make sure to really document anything that you can find, even if it is just a single wine bottle in the trash. And most importantly, be the first to tell the kids that Dad is abandoning them! You’ll establish trust and forever ruin his credibility with them.
Now that you ran him out of the house and established a pattern of being the good parent, make sure to deny him any and all custody during the week. Even if he has safe accommodations. This way you’ll establish a pattern where Dad is out of the picture, and he’ll have to fight uphill to get shared custody. It won’t matter anyway, if there is discord between the parents they won’t give 50/50 custody in most states. Even if it is just you fueling the conflict! Girl POWER! xoxo
You GOT THIS! Take his ass to Domestic Relations for support! The nearly all female staff there serve YOU under the guise of “best for the children.” Your attorney will help, but they are an agency designed to maximize your collections! And if he won’t pay, don’t worry, the male prison staff will make sure to keep him in line by throwing him in with criminals for as long as the judge thinks is enough to get him to cough up what is rightfully yours! Go for it, you can do it!
FAQ
Yeah, but written by divorce attorneys! Remember, they only get paid when there is discord!
Well, children in fatherless homes do commit crimes more, resort to drugs, have worse professional and emotional outcomes, and face a more difficult life. But who cares when you need a new pool liner, pool cover, new car, and time with your besties?
Don’t worry girlfriend. You have 18 years to manipulate them into believing whatever it is you want! The odds of them finding out are small, and they’ll be so damaged it won’t matter.
Oh they do honey, they all know the game. But they ALL get paid based on this conflict. Without hard working Super Moms like us, there would be no 50+ billion a year divorce industry!
We got this covered too sweetie! Most of the judges issue gag orders to prevent the fathers from speaking out.They know better.
But why? The attorneys, judges, agencies will all help you get what you deserve, a slave of your very own! No guilt either, society will honor you for the hard working Super Mom that you are.
Oh sugar, you have confused family court with law! Family court is a for profit industry funded by our Social Security dollars (Title IV-D) where the federal government gives these agencies 66 cents on the dollar for everything they collect (even more for arrears). Because they are all lawyers, they get to make the laws, interpret the laws, bill you for applying the laws, and then take the money from you they say you owe! It’s a perfect racket, whoops, I mean “best for the children.” And because the judges are immune to most prosecution/suit, they can ignore the constitution of the United States. Remember, honey, best for the children is best for YOU!
Don’t worry, that’s a dead end. In today’s climate they would never prosecute a Super Mom. And they would never let it get to a jury trial, because a victim like you should not have to deal with so much pain! Can you imagine having to face that deadbeat? And while there are legitimate victims for which these laws were created to protect, we can hijack this wagon all the way to an early retirement!
Only if we get caught en masse, but even then, we’ll have that one out of a thousand case to use as an anecdotal example. Take a look at the PA House Bill 1397 hearing on shared parenting. All those brave lawyers and recipients of DV dollars are there testifying on your behalf. Nobody would question them. And even if society caught on, we can just claim spousal abuse and that “he hid it well.” It works every time. Look at Amber Heard. If she can get away with it, so can you!
